It's 4:17am here. Everyone's asleep. I was asleep. I dreamt of home and my family. I dreamt of being in Willow Station's Savemart. It was somehow my house. I sat in an aisle and cleaned our fridge with my dad. I took out bottles from the lowest shelf on the door as my dad went through the inside shelves. I cleaned out bags of old, half used onions, sticky bottles of cioppino.
Then I was with Brandon going through our baking stuff. We had three bags of different types of flour. I thought to myself how they would be great for making Indian doughs when I got back. Then we walked around other aisles, fighting over who got to push the cart.. who HAS to push the cart, rather. We met this happy little man at the end of one of the aisles. He asked for our names and smiled at us, in an extremely Indian manner.
Even in this dream I had to refrain fro touching, kissing, holding Josiah in front of this man. Hands off. Keep a distance. Retain tradition. Josiah was kept at the Check Out as I continued running around the store. I wasn't really there to shop though. It was also my home. It was empty except for my family and the happy man at the other side of the aisle.
As we left the store, I was in a familiar scenario with familiar surroundings. Brandon and I were walking behind mom, carrying groceries. We were on our way to the car to get back home, but there was an oddity to the feeling of just going home. Just like that. I started saying, "I guess this means I go back to Delhi now. It won't take too long, right?" I knew somehow that I couldn't stay and go home with them.
And it was here that I think I've fully realized how far and out of the way I am. I'm entirely unable to just go home. Just like that.
I woke up crying pretty hard.
I question more strongly everyday how this is affecting me. Barely a week into this trip, still acclimating to the people, weather, time.. and I already know I'm doomed, in the best of ways. This past week has crept up on me, exclaiming that this is the way of normalcy. This is right. This is how it is.
What does this mean for me? Am I here to be broken down to pieces, lying in crumbs like the sidewalks all around me? Probably.
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